Time

It has been some time since I wrote anything as my days have suddenly been quite full with other activities that have needed my immediate attention.  I don't have too much to say and yet I have so much happening.  I am grateful of the goings on in my life right now.  It seems I went from manufacturing things to do, to having so much to do.  Details...details and emotions.  So many emotions.

Just really wanted to write something, anything.  My soul is longing to communicate my hands have been busy and decisions need to be made.

It is better being busy, but I still need to find the balance of outlet for mind, body and spirit.  It seems I always have an unnatural balance.  Right now I have things to do with my hands, but my heart is feeling low.

I have nothing to be low about.  Everything is going extraordinarily well, just need to have some fun.  So, this is fun.  Writing is always fun.  Even when I don't say anything worthwhile.

So I find myself surrounded by HIS grace.  and at the same time, missing those I love who don't believe.  My hope is in the future and I believe even those things will be righted I must not despair.

Kindness

I am trying to be more kind in my day to day dealings with people.  I am uncertain how I am doing, but I am trying.

One of the ways that I am trying is by listening better.  I need to hear what people are really saying and allow those spoken emotions become real to me.

I have had a couple of conversations lately that I still feel like I am talking toooooo much!!!!!

I need to be more attentive to the needs of the person that I am with.

This brings me to a story that I read last night, written by a medical physician.  He was speaking to the fact that sometimes physical pain is really emotional pain that is being made manifest in our physical bodies and that really nothing is wrong with the body, but the pain is real.  He began to listen to his patients and let them talk, without prescribing a bunch of pills or what not, because he figured this connection out, this was after he had done every test to determine what was wrong and they came back negative every time, the person was fine.

I have met many people who are like this, seemingly healthy and yet not healthy.  I am grateful for the ability that I have to take things to the LORD in prayer.  But there was a season when I was angry with God and I was sick the entire year.  My body could not regulate itself and I even ended up in the ER room.  After I realized I was angry at God and admitted it, i recovered and my body did regulate itself.  I think that is why I have been so blessed with good health, because my spirit is good.  This is not to say that everyone who is sick is not well in there spirit, because that would be untrue.  Job was well in his spirit and very sick.  I am just saying that i think when someone suffers from chronic pain or other malfunctions of the body, we should consider the possibility that something is not well in the soul.  And until the individual is willing to address the issue that is the real problem, grief, anger whatever the pain will continue to manifest itself somewhere.  I think some people can deal with the physical problems easier than the soul problems, because then we are not weak, we are just sick, and someone can figure that out surely and fix it through our modern medicine.  So many of us take medicine for issues that the LORD can and wants to heal in us.  I know He has done it for me.  And for that I am super grateful.

Movies

I watched a movie today. It was a good story and the message was good, but it was really gory in parts.  I don't really like it because of it.  The story I think is addressing the problem that we currently have in USA with illegal immigrants.  I had just read a story about an illegal immigrant that was in the Bellevue Hospital in New York and it chronicled the tragedy that was her life. So, it was interesting to watch the movie from that perspective of just reading the story about this woman.  i just wish they wouldn't be so graphic.

I don't know what the answer is about immigration reform, but I do know that many people are trying to figure it out.  It is difficult, because we have so many different interests that need to be taken into consideration.  the issue is certainly not black and white...of course human interests and needs never are, it is alway complex.  I wonder if sometimes we try to solve problems from a position that is too high in the government.  But when you take the crime, drug use, smuggling and violence into consideration, I am grateful that we protect our borders.  AHHH we need the LORD's help with this, it does not have an easy answer.  Really I think what it always boils down to is the criminal element that is in play, and criminals come in many shapes and sizes, but it is easy to blame the poor.

Birthday

Today is my oldest son's birthday.  happy birthday!

Psalm 24:1-2
The earth is the LORD's and all its fullness, The world and those who dwell therein
For He has founded it upon the seas, and established it upon the waters

Genesis 1:1-2
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,  the earth was without form and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

It is wonderful to know that the earth belongs to the LORD.  I just read a chapter in my book 12 Patients that was about a young woman who suffered many unspeakable things in her short life.  She was suffering from heart failure as well.  Yet she was humble and everyone wanted to help her in the book.  Many people moved on her behalf for her to have a new heart, yet when she got it she died.  i am glad she is in a better place than here, she suffered so much violence.  I pray that her children will be well cared for that she left behind.

There will be a day when the world will be a peace and not suffer this level of violence that we see today.  When the LORD rules and reigns in His kingdom.  He is coming soon.  It is our hope.

Come quickly LORD JESUS!

Exercise for the mind

today i don't feel like i have anything to say at all.  maybe that is a good thing, i have been trying to keep myself busy by organizing my time with studies and doing a food cost analysis, etc

so I am just going to write because this is my self appointed assignment to write something everyday, even if it is nothing at all

I did go to the grocery store today and get some ingredients for homemade hummus and a dish that is similar except you make it with eggplant, these will be the receipes for this weekend with troy

we have decided to do cooking together as part of the University at Home project
it does a couple of things, it provides food, which we need and it gives us a project to do together that cost little money, we are trying to save money for my trip out to the west coast

my food cost analysis is proving that we spend so much money on food and fuel...but we certainly have been eating healthy and i think in the long run that saves us on medical expenses, which thankfully right now are at zero for us both, i really believe the good food helps

okay, it wasn't much exercise, but at least it was something and something is always better than nothing,

Busy

We can stay just as busy as we want to be.  I noticed that I have come up with many ways to keep myself busy so I am not just sitting all day and watching the clock pass.  One of those ways is to try and write in this blog.  I think it just keeps up some basic keyboarding skills and helps my mind stay active.  Some other ways I have been keeping busy is by turning my life at home into more of a business.  Just to keep my mind going and using my office skills.  Just in case I ever have a job again.  I have started a time study of how I spend my day. As well as a food cost chart to help find ways to save money for my upcoming trip.  It helps.  I feel much happier than when I was just pretty much watching TV all day.  They were cooking shows, so I did learn something, but this is still much better.

I need to go take a few pictures of a willow tree for the new facebook page.  Hopefully I will get some good shots.  I was told that there is a Willow tree next to a retention pond so it should be a good one to try and get some photos.

Comfortable

Isn't it nice when you just meet someone who makes you feel comfortable.  I have the luxury of being married to someone who makes me feel that way, which makes life so nice.  And I have had two friends over the years that made me feel this way.  One of those friends took me out to lunch today.  I am so blessed.

I am a person that must be hard to get along with because I have not had this type of friendship very often.  Oh, I certainly have friends that I love deeply, but the comfortable feeling to just totally be yourself and you know you won't offend them, that is the unusual part.  Most of my friends I think I do offend in someway if I am just honest and truly myself.

I am glad that in this time of my life I have someone that I can really always feel uplifted by and never feel like, oh dear, I think I ....you fill in the blank.

Thank you LORD for bringing this friend into my life at this time.  The other time I had a friend like this was when I was a single mom.  I needed a friend like that then too.  God is so very good to me, he always makes my life so rich!!!!

Feeling pretty good

Well I am feeling pretty good about the fact that I am writing something everyday.  Even if it isn't saying much at least I am meeting my objective of writing something.  I am so desiring to keep my mind active and alert.
I have been playing games on the computer and that seems to help in some ways, although i am beginning to tire of them somewhat, they still hold my interest enough and I think it is great brain exercise as I have seen a marked improvement in my memory.  Which is nice.  I was really having difficulties remembering anything!  That is the problem with having so much down time.

Today i don't feel so great physically, but hopefully this will pass.  maybe I just need to go outside and walk.

I feel so blessed today, just an abundance of joy in my heart in spite of my headache and upset tummy and usual aches and pains.  i think this is a good sign, maybe my spirit is getting fed more and I can easily over come the physical discomfort and still feel so much joy and happiness!!

i do not remember if I shared about my "Pride" realization, but I think I do want to write it down because I do not want to forget.  The sin of pride in my life has been seeking for something to hang itself on and lately, I have not had anything I can be proud of so i have been miserable...my sin like an addiction continued to tell me, go do something, get a job, buy a house, something...anything...I was just so uncertain of why I keep feeling the strong urge to do something...then when i understood that I did not have anything I could talk about or have anyone say...really?  that's cool or whatever someone may say to you to build one up...my flesh has been miserable being at home.  I was so glad i finally was able to see what was happening...because I was like WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY?  my life is so good and easy, i have a husband that loves me, GOD has been incredible...well...sin sin sin...but this time...it had no where to go...so it kept trying to get me to GO somewhere anywhere really.  I am now at a place of peace with this.  I am super happy to be at home being a housewife and I feel really good that my favorite sin is finally being laid down as i pick up my cross and follow HIM :)  I have been asking the LORD for quite some time to help me lay this down and HE is faithfully helping me to understand my addiction to pride and how to recognize it before i am swimming in it up to my neck...this is a long process but oh so worth it.

The Important Stuff

I really want to spend my time doing the important stuff.  I don't want to look back on any of my life and say, wow...i missed the boat there!

So, for now let me just list what I think is the important stuff:

Following Jesus
My family
My close friends
My health and appreciating the gift of life
that is about it for now...I may add to this later.

I was sorta interrupted in this train of thought.

I think being kind is important.  Loving one another (although this sounds easy it is hard sometimes).  Pretty much I have been able to get rid of stuff as being important.  I do like having resources, like clean water, a place to lay my head at night, but over the past couple of years I finally realize, I personally don't need to OWN these things, just have access to them when I need them.  Which is super cool, because i own very little right now and I love it!  But I do have access to the things I need as well, I am pretty sure I would not want to live on the street.

I suppose when I die, I just want people to know me as someone who cared for them.   That is the most important thing to me.  Sometimes I really suck at this...but i am going to keep trying and not give up!

Growth

Over the past few months I have seen so much growth in my beloved husband.  He is beginning to understand how loved he is by the Father and that he is in fact a child of a great King.  It is wonderful seeing him embrace this understanding of who he is in Christ.  Understanding this about himself is transforming him right before my eyes and it is a wonderful sight to behold!

I think back on my own journey with the LORD and I realize how far I really have come as well.  The valleys that I have walked in and the fact that grace has always been the rock of my salvation, my foundation.  For this I am so grateful as I have fallen and failed more times that I even would like to remember.  I am so glad that the Father says that he takes our sins and throws them as far as the East is from the West.  That is pretty far.  We do have the freedom to walk free from sin, but that does not mean that our flesh will like it.  That is why Jesus said, pick up your cross daily, and follow me.  Daily, that is a word that I have been pondering this past couple of weeks.  Daily.

Have we in the American church, thought that we should pick up our cross, only for two hours a week while we are attending our weekly church service?  Is going to church in fact just a "good habit".  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going to church, always have, even from a very young age.  I like everything about it.  I like the music, I like the preaching and I like the fellowship.  I have probably gone to church more in my life than most people over the course of my life.  So i am not in anyway saying we should not go.  What I am saying is have we turned what should be a relationship with our LORD into a weekly ritual that we perform.  Take the family to church, check, but this weeks groceries, check.  Of course these are all great generalizations, I am aware, but I think it could be another trap for our heart.  A trap because what started out as a love affair has ended in a duty to be performed (sometimes human marriage is like that too).

I need to really consider this relationship that I have been blessed with, because of the blessed redemptive work of the cross and the blood that Jesus spilled...and the most important part, that HE ROSE AGAIN!  Am I taking up my cross daily?  Am I saying no to my flesh and yes to the SPIRIT of God?

LORD help me to hear and to understand what the Spirit is saying and help me to obey.

Family

Today I am so grateful for my family.  I have been blessed with a large family and a loving caring family.  I think that as my lovely daughter would say, "I hit the jackpot".  Next weekend I get to go visit a cousin and I am super excited to spend time with her.  She has been such an incredible influence for good in my life.  My husband doesn't have any cousins, because both of his parents are an only child.  I hadn't really thought about it before.

We have exciting things happening in the lives of the family, good marriages and all the blessings of marriage.  I am just over the moon with joy today thinking about the exciting times we are in right now.

I hope that my family knows how much I love them.  I hope I have been able to express that in my life.  Sometimes I think it is hard to know if others really understand the depth of that love.

I am so grateful for my parents love too.  Over the course of my life I have learned just how much they really do love me.  They have proven it time and time again.  Especially my own mother.  Through my relationship with them and my grandparents I understand how love can look different from different people.  When I was small I didn't understand that, but I do now.  And I am glad, because I realize I have always been loved and important to at least a few people.

Family is just another expression of God's love for us.  He just thought of everything.  Thanks DAD!

Widows

Recently I have begun to realize that I have a few ladies that are in my life that are what I am going to refer to as "Widows"."  Some by definition are widows, some are just alone or lonely.

So I have added this to my University at Home sheet reflected as Women's Ministry, because honestly that is what it is.  I have three ladies right now that I am trying to reach out to in friendship and kindness.  One of them is a person of faith, two are not.

I am pretty excited to think about this, because I know that they have enjoyed my company as I have enjoyed being with them.  So it is a win win situation.

I noticed something with the formal church structure, the leadership wants you to do what they are doing, but when you say well the LORD has given me "such and such " to do, they don't really take much interest in what you feel like the Holy Spirit has asked you to do...in fact I have never had anyone say to me, "that is great can I pray for you?"  another thing to think about concerning the health of the American church.
We are all still walking in selfish ways with one another.  LORD please help me not be selfish and support all the work you are doing through all the people you have.

I hope that I can be a blessing to all my widows in my life.  I get to go to the movies today, and that is not such a bad deal, no not a bad deal at all! :)

A building not made with hands

This weekend was one of great discussion of how to give our money to the work of the LORD.  It has been our practice to tithe for many years to the church that we have regularly attended.  But now that the LORD has been using us in a different way for His kingdom, we don't have a "home church" right now.  I do not know if this will change or not.  We are waiting on the LORD to guide us and direct us in the way we should go.

So we visited a church that recently had an addition built on for the youth and new offices, it is beautiful.  NICE space.  We were told this building was done so more ministry could be done.

This brought up quite a discussion, how much is the American Church foolishly using God's resources?  I thought it was comparable to the desire that Israel had for a king.   God wanted to be their king, but they wanted a human king, so he let them have one.  I wonder if all these building projects are really just our flesh wanting to be more comfortable.  I brought this question up for discussion and it kinda ended like this in my mind.

We have not really search and asked what it is that God's heart wants, we continue to ask Him to bless the things we think we need and want.  Now I personally can not and should not pretend to know what God has or has not said to the people that are His, if he did in fact tell them to build or not.  But one thing I have seen in common with some of these large projects is that the burden, the financial burden is put upon the people in the congregation.  I have in fact visited several churches that this is the case.  The have a beautiful facility (that oftentimes is not full) and the pastor is preaching (almost every Sunday) about how we need to give give give.  This is what happened when the king was given to Israel, he taxed the people, took there children, their resources, etc.  So......i have seen other congregations that have not built a beautiful new building, but the bills are paid the facility is kept up and the ministry continues, no matter how many people are in attendance.  hmmmmmmmmmmm...well i do question all these building projects if they are in fact more about what we want then what God wants.  God is not so concerned with shelter if you really read the word.  He placed Adam and Eve in a garden, Jesus himself spent most of his time outside, in a garden sometimes and walking around.  he preached on a mountain side, from a boat sitting on the water, prayed in a garden before his death on the cross.  Went into the wilderness to be tested.  I think God is pretty consistent on what he considers our necessity, food and clothing.  So we came to a place of considering who is providing food and clothing to the poor, who is preaching to the poor, for free, and decided to support these works with our tithes.  We will still go to these churches to fellowship and worship, but to use the beautiful facilities we will pay to attend.  Just like any other man made venture, you pay for what you get.  I hope this will further the gospel in ways that we can not imagine, and help us to realize that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts, and may HE give me Ears to hear what that still small voice is saying to me.

Tenderness

I serve a God of great tenderness and beauty.  This is why my heart hurts when people accuse Him of being anything other than that.  He told me long ago that He could fight His own battles and that it was okay if I stand down.  But today, He has once again shown me just how tender and loving He really is through the story of Genesis.

As i type this tears stream down my face as I am overwhelmed by His love and care that He has extended to us throughout our existence.  Many times I have asked the LORD to let me know Him better and i even had the brave prayer of asking, like Paul, to let me know Him in his suffering.  He has answered that prayer.

At times my children have rejected me (as probably most parents have experienced)and it hurt me so deeply.  Part of the reason it hurt so deeply is because I know how much good i want for them, only good.  I see the parallel with mankind and the LORD.  He created us to only know good, but we choose otherwise.  Because of the lust of the eyes, the pride of life and the lust of the appetite.  We have fallen into a state of guilt and shame.  Rather than feel guilt or shame we harden our hearts and let sin overtake our hearts and justify our actions.  Adam and Eve sewed together fig leaves.  They tried to justify their actions by covering up the choice they had made.  Of course the action they took was more serious than they imagined, just like our teenagers today don't realize the damage (they believe they are indestructible).  The LORD had to take action against the offense.  Some rebelled, some understood. The LORD himself took an animal and killed it, to cover the sin.  How His heart must have broken in that moment.  To take away the very life He had given.
This of course where my understanding ceases.  Because i have never given life to anything and then had to destroy that very good thing.  But, i do understand what it means to be misunderstood.  I do understand the feeling of people hiding from me because they are doing something they shouldn't, and then justify their action rather than repent "the women you gave me made me do it".  We all like to blame someone else.  "the serpent deceived me and I did eat" maybe it is us looking to our surroundings, our parents , our poverty...whatever it may be.  but we are still all without excuse.  We individually choose to sin and we can not place that upon anyone or anything else.  I know that HE can take care of Himself...but I just wish humans would stop saying things about HIM that simply are not true.  He is loving and kind.  A God slow to anger and full of mercy.  One who loves beauty and loves each and everyone of us.  He is gracious and forgiving.  A God of great compassions.  He does care about the state of the world, more than we can imagine.  If I can for one moment bring some joy to HIS heart, my life would be full.  He is so worthy of our love.  He is not the creator of suffering, HE IS THE GIVER OF LIFE!

Discipline

I have started this University at Home and I think I need to develop a more structured and demanding schedule.  I know that we all tend to go easy on ourselves, more than a professor would.  So, I need to think about what exactly do I want to push myself toward?

I am considering taking a Greek language class for the New Testament, which would be super cool.  I will pray about that tonight during our time of prayer and ask the LORD if this is the time for that.

I think I do need to do more reading and less TV watching.  That would probably be a good start.

I certainly need to have more self discipline if this is going to be a serious endeavor.  Right now I need to get my head around it.  I want to be flexible for the LORD, but accomplishing more than I am now.  I guess I could make my own plans and just with the understanding that when the Master calls I drop my plan and move to His.  That may be the best approach.

Stay the Course

Sometimes the hardest thing for me is to just stay the course. I have such an incredible curiosity and desire for new information that it is hard for me to do the same thing over and over.  I have not quite figured out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I know that as in all things it brings its own unique challenge to my life.  Human beings for the most part enjoy having a sense of stability and habit in life.  I do have the need for those things also, but mine structure does not come from the routines of life, but rather my relationship with my LORD and how He is always with me.  Therefore I am able to move and flow like a river, ever moving and changing the things that are in my course.

That is why I question if my lifestyle is ok...some days I think YES!  Others, when I find that I have left everything that I am starting to know (people, work etc) I think NO...why do I keep putting myself into a position of loneliness?  Because it is lonely.  I willingly walk away from established relationships for something else.  But my question is what else??  Is this just another way that my flesh wants to run and rule my life at the expense of those around me? or is it in fact my place, my piece?  These are real questions that come to my mind.  Questions I really don't have the answer for.

I can look back on people I have been in relationship or jobs that I have held and know that they are just fine and in fact probably better in some ways.  The LORD has used me in the past to question the routine, the accepted norms of the "way things are done".  That has been why I usually have difficulties, because I have gone into situations that were clearly troubled but those directly involved didn't either recognize the issues or didn't care or thought there was no way to change the "way things are".

I hope that my moving, always moving is in fact more for the greater good than the hurt of other.
My hearts desire is to love people and love MY LORD.  That is my entire focus.  Sometimes love does hurt more than we would like it to (discipline) but the outcome in the end is the prize.  Discipline.

My friend told me that I am a strong person.  I suppose that is true in some ways, in others I know that is far from the truth.  I think my strength comes from my faith.  I know in whom I have trusted.  He has never let me down.  And I do not anticipate that He will.  Unlike myself, I have let myself down many time.

I need to understand how to Walk in the Spirit.  This way I will never have to question if my decisions are correct.  Then I will know that I am walking in LOVE and I can stay the course...where ever this river leads me.

I am so grateful for the LORD and His love in my life.  I could never thank Him enough for all He has done for me and those I love.

Headache

Today I had a headache and was not as productive as i wanted to be in my University at Home.  I did do something so I will be content to know that I could put something down in my log of new things that I am trying.

Yesterday I had a revelation of the struggle that I have been having being at home.  I know that I have the most blessed and easy life right now and i have been feeling frustrated that I have been having these difficult days emotionally.  I have not been able to put my finger on it, but yesterday I finally gained some understanding when i was visiting with my good friend.  I understood that what is going on is that my "flesh" hates that I don't have anything in my life right now that I can boast about or be proud about and it is craving and wanting that pride!  That is the battle...my flesh wants so badly to walk in the sin of pride that is wants to "make" something happen that I can talk about and feel good about (work, home, school) as it is now, I have nothing to boast about...except Jesus Christ and the finished work of the Cross in my life...so that is the conflict!  I am incredibly happy and full of joy in my spirit because I know that HE IS MY ALL IN ALL!  And I am miserable in my flesh...because I have been picking up my cross daily and following HIM.  So now I realize I am not losing my mind, I just want to go back to my prideful ways and the LORD is helping me learn how to walk humbly before him...I am so glad I am learning this lesson and I am so glad I finally found the issue of these two very different feelings I have in my heart and mind.  I am in the battle of my life trying to walk in humility.  This is something I have been sincerely praying about for  a couple of years and I am so glad he is helping with this.  I want to be a humble person, I am tired of letting pride rule my life.

I did lose my patience today with someone and for that I need to ask forgiveness, Father please forgive me for my bad attitude, and help me be in your Spirit and not in myself when I am around that person, because they just get on my nerves without even trying.  And i probably get on theirs.

LORD thank you for helping me get rid of my headache!

Missing loved ones

Today I am missing loved ones.

Yesterday I did have a wonderful time with my husband.

I have so many people that I care about around the country and around the world, I wish I could just see them all!

Summer Days

Being here in the Midwest brings back to mind summers of my youth.  I like the summers here very much.  This year it hasn't been overly hot and we have been blessed with rain.  The corn is really tall now!

It is July and it is under 70 in the morning...that is lovely.  What a beautiful walk I had this morning enjoying the beauty of the world around me.  The birds were singing, ducks were quacking and I even got some "good morning'" from others out walking.

Walking helps me have time to gather all my random thoughts while exercising.  I am not sure what I will do when the weather is cold enough to "freeze my face off" and my mother put it...but for today I am enjoying being able to get outside.  Tonight we will be going to a concert to listen to some music and just enjoy being outdoors.  It might rain, but hopefully it will rain after the concert.

New Adventures

so week one of University at Home is actually helping me be more organized and hopefully will allow we to be more productive with the time I have been given.  i am certainly more accountable to keep up with the things I have been doing and it doesn't feel like my life is just a big black hole sucking up into nothingness.

I think that no matter who you are, everyone wants to be productive in some way.  That is the big challenge when you have a major life change as I have had, where I have always been pushed into work and now I have the free time we all want and find it hard to self motivate to things that are productive.  Writing down what I have been doing does a couple of things, it makes my contribution more valid in my own mind and helps me see that I actually do more than I realized...not to put too many demands upon myself as to make it some sort of "busywork" but to be faithful to contribute in this way may be the best idea i have had in the past two years.

here is to having my life make more sense again! :)

Summer Days

Today was a beautiful summer day.  The sun was shining so brightly and the sky was filled with beautiful white clouds.  I am so grateful for the chance to enjoy these beautiful days.  There was a time when all I could see was darkness, even on a beautiful day like today.  I thought of a friend that lived in that darkness and eventually chose to end his life by his own hand recently.  I hope he has found some peace.  I know that I am ever grateful that grace delivered me from those dark places in my mind.  My heart now can best be described as a beautiful summer day.  Bright and promising.

I started what I have named University at Home this week.  I am somewhat formalizing my pursuits by writing down what I am doing to educate and expand my mind and skill set.  I have three things, healthy body, healthy mind and healthy spirit.  I have not exercised (walked) yet this week, so I need to do that tomorrow morning.  I feel the need to keep my mind more active as my memory is really suffering from just watching TV.  I started by playing some games on the computer and that has helped.  Now I will continue to write down the things I am doing as a way of accountability and so I can have recorded some of the amazing delicious dishes I make.  I am doing it all on the blogger because it would require too much paper or journals and I have neither the room or desire to store all of this information in my closet.  I am doing it on blogger so I can access it no matter what computer I am using, or where.  maybe someday my children will discover them and read them, when I am gone...it would give some insight to my life.  If they are interested in that

Marriage

I have the best marriage.  I am so blessed to be married to my husband.  He has changed my life in so many ways and it is because he loves me.  Not in word alone, but in deed.  If all of us would love one another we would change the world.  I know love has changed me.

Hope

I had lunch with a new friend and we both decided that HOPE is essential to being able to move forward into blessings in our lives.  We spent quite a bit of time discussing relationship, specifically relationships with ourselves and a significant male partner.  Reflection on the way I was put together with my wonderful husband of 17 years inspired and encouraged my friend who has been single for some time.  I am glad that in the midst of some very difficult times in my life I was able to still hold on to a glimmer of hope, no matter how small and try again for a meaningful relationship.  This relationship that I am in now has exceeded every expectation that I ever had for marriage.  I am so grateful.  It is just one more way that I feel incredibly loved by my LORD.  He gives good gifts and restores more than what was lost!  Oh how I love HIM!  Thank you Father for all that you have done in my life.

Walking

Today I met a man who is literally walking across the continental United States of America to inspire people to take their faith seriously.  What a brave and wonderful thing to do.  I am glad that I was able to see him today.  It reminded me to not be afraid or fall into the trap of the fears that we have concerning our own well being.  What a delightful young man he was and kind.  I wonder if I should have offered him a place to stay?  LORD perhaps someone else will be smarter and more hospitable and I and offer him a cool place to rest his tired body.  But, then again this is not my home I am just house sitting. I miss being able to offer people a place to come.

Entertainment

Something I have been learning is that we all need to know that we have something that rewards us in this life.  Entertainment can be one of those things.  I had a difficult time wondering why my motivation to do all of the things I need to do just seems on the stuck button.  I think I have fallen upon one of the reasons.  All I have is a chore list.  I have a very difficult time allowing myself to have fun!  This past week I have spent some time just playing some games on the computer and guess what I am more motivated and less stuck to do the things that I need to do.  I have a payoff, some fun.  This is something that is very difficult for me, as silly as that may sound.  Everyone else can have fun, but for myself it is difficult to allow myself to just goof off.  I feel terribly guilty when I do.  Like it is such a waste of time.

I am glad I am learning this life truth.  Other people sometimes have difficulty working and just want to goof off which may also be just as damaging to one's overall well being.  But, only being about work all the time is just as unhealthy.  As time goes I will get better and be a better rounded person, but it sure is taking a long time.

Intersection

There are people in our lives that intersect with us for a season.  Sometimes we pursue these relationships and sometimes they are forced upon us by circumstance.  In reflecting upon one relationship that was forced upon me, I find it strange now how much I am drawn toward knowing that person is doing well.  In some ways I find it strange, because the feeling is not returned so much as I can tell.  It is curious how a relationship can be one sided.  One party caring much more deelpy for the other.

Yesterday I had a wonderful time pondering how we are in a relationship with the LORD.  How he has made it possible for us to be in a relationship with HIM.  He did everything that is needed, yet it mostly remains one sided.  He does all the work and we disregard Him.  I don't want to be that way, I want to have a mutual relationship, one where I think about and pursue Him with all my mind, soul and body.  I hope that I can find a way to let go of those things that are of no concern and grab onto the things that truly matter.  Open my eyes so that I may see and open my ears so that I may hear what the Spirit is saying.

Family

I had the most lovely time with my youngest brother.  We spent time sharing about the good things of the LORD.  How amazing He is and many of the wonderful ways that he has extended grace into our lives and how he continues to extend mercy and grace into our lives.  It is nice to share about the great things of God, it is even nicer when that person is someone you shared a room with as a child. 

I am amazed and grateful for the ways that God has worked in each of our lives in different and amazing ways.  I could never say enough about this wonderful God that we serve.  My life is rich and full because of Him!

I am anxious for the day I can have these conversations with my children. Until then, Father please keep them in the palm of your hand, ever guiding and teaching them in your truth.

Hope

somedays it is harder than others to find hope...today is one of those days...i am seeking to hold on to hope...but for some reason today it feels far from my reach.  I think as i am typing this that it is a form of selfishness...I am too inward focused today.  It is something that i have been doing this week with purpose...trying to think about past hurts to draw them up and get rid of them.  I will be bringing all of my baggage to the LORD tonight in a time of prayer in hopes that I will be rid of all anger and hurt and unforgivness or what ever else may be lurking in my heart that I have buried and don't want to undig from the rubble of my mind and heart.  I want to be a vessel clean and spotless before the LORD...ready to take in HIS love and be a person that won't attach my own baggage to that offering unto the LORD.  This has been a week of tryiing to remember in order to forget. I guess that is kinda weird....but i want to let go of these heavy bags of sorrow.

I have still been having my wierd headache and i am unsure what that means...hope it isn't high blood pressure or????

I guess that is part of my concern.  I will take that to the LORD too...

may the LORD have His way and His say...as my dear borther used to say

Friends

I heard from a dear friend and it made my heart soar!  I am always amazed at how love does not grow stale.  How we can have many day, weeks or even years pass and the love remains.  The Word says that God is love and that God is eternal.  As time passes I am understanding the enduring power of love.  I want to walk in LOVE...because it is the one thing we can do that will not go away.  It endures no matter what else may suffer decay.  Clothes wear out, bodies get old, food rots...but love does not decay, it never wears out, and it is always young!  Love is vibrant and alive!

May all of my efforts and energies be focused on love, the thing that doesn't corrupt...

Well I was actually sick

I came to a realization this week.  I know I'm getting old when I can't tell the difference in a normal day and sickness.  I remember when I was young I could wake up and know...wow I am sick today.  Now, I realized I am so sore and feeling poorly so much, I just think ah another day of, well my life!  Getting old is certainly not for the weak.  I was sick and didn't just have a headache...because I do feel so much better today.  At least I can still have strength of mind!  wait...what was I talking about...

Ah...I am grateful for everyday i have, it is a challenge some days, with all the aches and pains, and forgetfulness, and lack of vision and what? I didn't hear you moments...but i am so blessed!

I have been given so much and could never list it all.  I have been loved, I have been hated and I can tell you being both, love is so much sweeter when you have been on the other end of the feeling spectrum.  Just like sorrow and joy.  I have had many days of deep sorrow, only the LORD knows the depth of that pain, but now I have had so many days of Joy!  I think that sorrow makes our heart grow and that Joy fills in where sorrow once was...or bitterness.  I think you have to choose one or the other.  I don't want to be a bitter old lady...i worry about losing my memory, what will remain of me if i lose myself to a brain disease?  I try to not let it be anger or unforgiveness.  Our hearts are deep and sometimes seemingly unsearchable, like the depths of the oceans.  I want my life to be real and my feelings real.  I am working on many "old hurts"...trying to move away from them.  But just this morning i had anger arise, again...please let my life be about love (it holds no record of wrongs) and not self righteousness and pride!  let everything that is ugly and unkind, self serving and wrong be away, away!

Headache

I woke up with a headache today.  I am pretty certain it is due to the trouble I have with my breathing when I sleep, or more accurately my lack of breathing when I sleep.  I hope this headache goes away, I have so much to do today.

I have been struggling in my mind with some different issues, mostly concerning people I care deeply about.  I am hoping to let my mind be free from worry or bad feelings and thoughts toward others, but it is hard.  Especially when you body is not feeling well.  I feel like my whole body had been hit by a truck...I guess that is the damp weather and my inflammation...the joys of aging.

I am a bit whiny today.  Sorry about that.

So now that I have confessed how I really feel, I am working on being honest and not stuffing my feelings.  How do I dig myself out of this hole?

I suppose it makes sense that I would focus on the truly good thing in life which is Christ and the finished work of the cross.  Because no matter how bad i feel or how badly my thoughts want to run away, one truth stays certain in these uncertain days.  That is the finished work of the Cross!  Oh the joy of being able to run to the One who paid it all so that I could overcome this wretched man that I am.  My son posted that he likes to get high because he can forget all of his worries.  In a strange and maybe disturbing way, i am glad that he at least recognizes why he likes to get high.  He wants to be happy!  He wants to be loved.  I am waiting for the day that he understands that in
Christ you don't have to forget your troubles, because he takes them away as far as the East is from the West.  He allows us to stand clean in His presence, because of what His Son did on the Cross.  We don't have to forget...He has already forgotten.  We are a new creature, whole and born again when we accept this great gift of Salvation.  It does sadden my heart that he had found satisfaction in the cheap substitute of the world...but that will only hold its charm for so long and I know eventually it will give way to the hollow substance that it is.  Whereas Christ HE just grows sweeter and sweeter with the passing of time.  He is more real and more able to meet our every need.  I will be happy happy happy the day that my son throws away the cheap imitation and finds the true meaning of love in his creator.

Laundry

I have a pile of laundry to do today.  Not sure why it is taking me so long to get through it.  Lately it feels like I am moving so slow.  So I have decided that I must just be tired from all of my travels.  But what a time of travel! 

I have seen so much of my family and now in a couple of weeks we get to go visit my husband's mom and sister and that will be wonderful.  My husband is such a wonderful man, I wish I could do more that I can for him.  He has an tender heart.

Small issues have come up that I have needed to talk through and my husband always has a listening ear to help me.  He has loved me in such a way that I did not even understand a person could love a wife.  I am so blessed.  I am thankful for him, he doesn't even realize all he has done.  Someday he may understand. Someday I hope he does.

Boundries

This morning I was taking my walk and I was thinking about boundaries.  I apparently have not just boundaries, but quite a fortress.  I am, for the most part, secure in my beliefs and how I choose to live my life and in choosing to be flexible and ever open to new ideas and concepts, ironically have become somewhat inflexible.  I am inflexible in that fact that I choose not to allow other people opinions dictate my path.  I pretty much have always been this way, but i am trying to at least listen now and consider the information that is being given, be it criticism, encouragement or otherwise.  I think some people will give you a lot of criticism others too many compliments.  i like to live somewhere more in the realm of what is real...can I touch it, can I see it, is it a real representation?  For example, I think about people of great fame.  Not to say that what they contribute is not substantial, but honestly, just because they are famous does not make them the authority on everything.  Or say the street people, just because they live on the street does not make their contribution less valid.  I like to believe that each of us has something to offer, something of value.  And i am a big advocate for the belief that my way is right for me, not necessarily right for you.  my greatest joy in life is seeing people being able to express their true selves for the purpose they were created and were given life.  This very core of my belief is what ends up alienating me from so many, because I don't fit the form they want, and people always assume I believe what they believe, when they realize that  I don't, the relationship is cut off.  It is interesting, because i give them the freedom to be themselves, they are usually uncomfortable with the freedom I take to be myself.  We separate ourselves into these little sub groups and call them our friends.  the discomfort I cause others is that, everyone is my friends, I love everybody.  that is not to say that I approve of all Behaviour, that is different, but I do believe that all people deserve to be loved and heard.  and i believe this, because, I want to be loved and heard.

Wedding

This weekend I attended my daughter's second wedding.  It was very well done and everyone seemed to have a wonderful time.  I am not really a person who does well in crowds and therefore I try and keep myself together, but I can not say I enjoy large events.  I did enjoy seeing my children and my grandaughter.  It is always delightful to see them.

AND it is delightful to also be at a time in my life that I get to enjoy being with my husband and I do not have to worry about what they are doing, because they are all grown up now.  I have loved every stage of my life watching my children grow.  That is not to say that some pain hasn't been involved, that starts the day I concieved.  My pregnancy's were not really a breeze...but such wonder to see these wonderful human beings become.  To see the creativity, anger, forgiveness, love that the children are capable of is amazing.

I was talking with someone this morning about how our children really belong to God and that we just have the joy of being a part of the process of growth and have a relationship with them.  I just appreciate that the LORD allows us to be such an important part of that process.  I am glad I understand things to be this way, because it has allowed me to be a parent that can watch my children soar!  They are all so unique in thier own ways and are such great people.   I think i have said it a thousand times, but it bears repeating, I love being a mother.  It is the greatest gift.

Time

I had a dream last night about my dog, Teddi.  I woke up sad and missing her.  In my diary I found she has been gone since 2005.  Where did those 8 years go?  She was such an important part of my life and still is such an important part.  I am so grateful for the life lessons I learned from Teddi.

Time is such an interesting thing.  It seems to go so slow during certain seasons in our lives and so quickly in others.  I sometimes feel as if life is just a big loop really, discoveries, mistakes, experiences, innovations go around and around.  I think I would like to make some big discovery in my lifetime, but really someone probably already figured it out. 

I was reading this morning and the theme of do justice, love mercy and walk humbly before God continues to come into my heart and soul.  The interesting thing about these concepts is that they don't require the passage of time to achieve.  These are things we can do each moment of our lives.  From the beginning to the end.  We don't have to reach a goal or title or status to be able to do these things.  Anyone can do these things...no time involved.  Day by day and moment by moment.  This is why I love the Word it brings such profound simplicity into my life.  It sounds so simple...

Today I will choose to love, not because it is easy, but because it is right.  My dog loved me.  She was good in so many ways, but she had a problem.  Her problem was that she was violent against other animals.  She was (i suspect) bred to fight.  No matter what we tried she would not socialize with other animals.  One day she attacked another dog, fortunately the dog was okay.  Unfortunately, she ran out of the front door and a young girl was there witnessing the sight and was terrified.  I was terrified, what if she had mistaken a small child for an animal.  Perhaps I acted too swiftly, but we put her down.  I could not stand the thought of her harming anyone, child, pet, anyone.  The most important thing for me was to know that she would not be remembered as the "pit bull" that hurt someone.  I think it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, to watch her eyes as the life left them.  I didn't want to not be there, I was the one who made the decision.  I wanted to hold her until the end and somehow let her know that I do love her.

When I woke up I thought about the flood that was sent upon the earth and how the LORD was grieved that he had done that thing and set his rainbow in the sky to let us know he would never bring destruction by flood again.  He did it because of the violence of mankind according to the Word.  I put down Teddi because of the violence breed into her that she had no control over whatsoever.  It is a wound that doesn't want to heal in someways...even after all this time.  I guess that is love.

Wedding

Going to a wedding this weekend.  I like weddings, it is nice to have people still willing to  make a commitment to one another in the bond of marriage.  Trying to catch up on the last minute details like laundry...fun.

I have had a full and wonderful week.  I took yesterday off to rest as we will have lots of travel and fun in store over the weekend.  It is good to take a day off now and again, it restores the mind and the body.

Vacation

Vacations are important.  We in America don't take too many vacations.  We are always too busy or don't have enough money to do anything.  At least that seems to be the state of all average people.  If we have time, we have no money, if we have money, we have no time.  It is really quite sad.  Taking a break from the everyday stresses of life is so important.

Some periods of my life were so busy and exhausting that I have almost no memory of them.  Other periods of my life I have not had enough to do.  Like right now, and I still have no memories, because I don't do anything!  Hmmmm

No, seriously, in the past few months I have had the pleasure of time.  Time with the family, time to myself and at first it was so strange I honestly sat on my bed and called my daughter and said what am I supposed to do?  I was serious.  That day I remember.  It was a horrible feeling.  I did not have a job.  I did not have children to care for.  My husband was at work.  Just sitting on the bed with a TV screen in front of me.  What a bad day.

After a year my days are fuller.  And I am doing things that are interesting to me.  This had been a really wonderful year.  Kinda like a year vacation.  I would highly recommend everyone take a year, if they can, to find yourself again, once the children are gone.  I think this next year will become busier; plans for great things on the horizon.  Looking forward to my new found interests.  hopefully my skills won't be so rusty that I can't keep up.  That includes this aging body as well.   Sometimes the mind is willing, but the body has different plans.

This are some of the things I learned about myself this year.  I like to cook.  I like to be outside.  I like listening.  I like live music, performing and listening. I like to feel helpful.  I like to clean.  I like seeing new places and meeting new people.  I like long road trips, when I get to drive.  I like to organize things.  I like to take walks on pretty days. I like having wine with my husband at days end and sharing with him. I like taking photos of nature.  I like spending time in prayer and bible study.
And some things I don't like.  I don't like spending so much money for a cell phone.  BYE BYE cell phone.  Always being on time. Too much structure.  Being unhealthy. Hearing myself talk. Getting upset over petty things (its pretty much all petty).  Things I have been working on.  Humility. Love.

Housework

We all need to do housework.  The key is to find a way to do it joyfully!  It seems to go so much faster that way.  The past couple of days I have been cleaning, it does give a person a smile when it is done.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that does need done, but once you get started it feels pretty good.

I am waiting for a plumbing inspection to happen today...you know one of those "windows" of time...anyway, i am grateful that someone knows how to take care of the plumbing because I don't!

My biggest project is the garage right now, it seems to be taking me a long time; much longer than I want it to.  It is complicated because we are still trying to downsize our possessions, but not get rid of so much that we have to run to the store to replace something we gave away.  We have decided to rid ourselves of our camping gear, it seems we are done with that activity in our sojourn here.  We did have a wonderful time camping with the children.  Camping has many good memories so it is hard to let go of the stuff that brings back memories of joy.

As little as these blogs would mean to anyone else, I am finding that it is a great outlet.  Especially now that I am alone so much of the day...except for the occasional plumber...

Direction

I have been looking for direction in what I should do with all of my time.  I have found that direction and I hope that I will be worthy of the calling.

I am so ever grateful for the faithful endurance of my beloved husband for helping me through this process and being so gracious toward me every step of the way.

A few years ago I did not believe that marriage was anything but hard work and a marathon of biting my tongue so as not to ruin everything.  (Did I mention I can have a sharp tongue?)  But gratefully I have once again been proven wrong.  My first experiences in life have moved away into a beautiful new reality of a wonderful marriage with a godly man.  It is in fact possible to find someone who really does love you.  They don't have to love everything about you, but I have found that for the most part they do enjoy being with you.  I have found that love in my beloved husband of 17 years.  He has opened up parts of my heart that I thought had been utterly crushed, destroyed or undeveloped.  We journey on together finding new ways to serve together our family and community.  A partner is what I asked for when I married again, but I found a friend and lover like none other.  In this I am so blessed.

I hope everyone can find someone to love them. Love is the greatest gift in this life one can possess.

Surprise

Yesterday I learned of some surprising news.  It was a joyful discovery and wonderful to hear. Listening to the news, we often don't here the good stories that are happening in the lives of those around us.  Good News is nice!

It is also nice to have someone in your life that wants to share their good news .  It is a sign of friendship and having a friend is really nice.  Since I have moved so much in my life it has been difficult to retain friends and I don't have any long term friends.  My husband has become my dearest friend and for that I am grateful.  He listens and loves me.

I do long to be a good friend, one that has been around, but I don't think it will ever happen.  I have not had the opportunity to do it.  I have moved 26 times in my life.  I have lived in 2 countries, 5 states and 15 cities.  At this time I am 46 years old.  I have attended 16 schools, held 19 jobs and attended 7 churches.  I have worked with laundry service, children, parents, youth, churches, food service, bar tending, pool hall, elder care, grocery store, food pantry, fast food, homeless, domestic violence, sexual assault survivors, drug addicts, and incarcerated persons.  I don't think I know how to stay still.  I have been hardwired for change.  This is something people I care dearly about don't really understand.  I find that when I leave others feel hurt or sad, but what else can I do?  How do you stop?  Even my family has become a victim of my leaving, how sad.  But, I never feel like I am leaving as much as I am going.  Perhaps that is why I go.  I never leave I am always moving forward, learning and growing and contributing what I have learned along the way.  My heart holds dear all those who I have loved.  Over time I have learned that those who have been left don't feel the same, often they may feel that I was not loyal to them.  Maybe I really didn't like them.  But the truth is so much different.  I do love them, each and every one.  On average I have changed something in my life every two years and I will admit, I love it!  I love meeting new people and seeing new things.  I love learning more about the world around me and growing into a more compassionate person.  So for all those I love...please remember I have never stopped loving you.  Each of you I carry in my heart and I share the love you poured into me with those I encounter on this journey I call my life.

Spring

Today is a "typical" Spring day.  Not too cool not too hot sunny this morning and a chance of scattered showers.  It is absolutely beautiful outside right now.

I did do some work in the garage yesterday.  I felt much better now that I actually did something.  Now I just need to finish.

Today I will be going to the food bank.  I made some banana bread that I am going to take with me and see if anyone wants some.  I have been awake since my husband got up for work today, so I have already accomplished so much today.  That is a good thing.  We are planning on planting some seeds in our shared garden.  I am unsure if they will take, but we are going to plant some chard and kale.  I also want to plant some herbs for the kitchen.  I would like to grow fresh herbs and have them for cooking. 

I am feeling much better than I did a few days ago.  I do not find myself in a dark place that often anymore, it is nice to be feeling more sane today.  I am a bit sleepy from getting up before 4am, but at least I am not spinning in circles.

I read a devotional today about God's silence, and what lessons may be there for us when He isn't speaking.  I think that is when I go dark myself, when I do not have clear direction from HIM.  He is so faithful to guide my path.  I am glad for the reminder of my dependence upon HIM.  It helps me to understand what is me and what is HIM.  I need the reminder.  I have been so spoiled by the grace and goodness that has been extended to my through the Holy Spirit by the blood of Jesus, I probably take HIM for granted and don't appreciate all that HE does.  As soon as he pulls back I don't take it for granted though...ugh...I am a terrible person.  It is by HIS mercy that I am able to do any good at all in this life and am I ever reminded when I find I only have myself to solve life's questions.  HE never leaves us in silence for long, it is a good thing.  Silence does not mean HE has left us.  I remember there were times that I did not interfere with my own children and would let them work through some issues, when they were small.  I wanted them to be able to problem solve.  Just as I was there, but not interfering, I know that our GOD is faithful, because HE said HE would never leave us or forsake us.  He has never left me completely and for that I am so grateful.  But sometimes HE has been silent.  I am grateful for that too.  In the end I know that HE loves me, that HE loved me enough to pay the penalty for my sin so that I could recieve the "Gift of God" of eternal life rather than the eternal death I was already living,  Thank you FATHER for the Gift of your SON.

Be Good and Do Good

garage

I am supposed to be organizing the garage today.  It is already almost 2pm.  Not making great progress on that goal.

I am trying to allow my mind just as much exercise as my body, that is how I will justify all this time I have wasted today.

Well, I have had a couple of conversations that were needed and I am doing the laundry which just seems to take forever here for some reason.  At least that is something.  But mostly I am just basking in the wonderful time I had yesterday.  I did some cooking which is always fun and creative, then I was able to enjoy a wonderful concert a Spring Musicale!  That brought such a joy in my heart that organizing a garage seems so dull today.  I would really like to find a place where I can sing again.  I sang a solo over the Easter Holiday and enjoyed it very much and it was very well received. 

Music, old music, from the church is so beautiful and moving.  It touches my soul in a way that nothing else does. I wish I had a stronger voice that would give justice to the beautiful music, so grateful for those that do!

Where can I find some music???

Food

Food is something that I really enjoy. I like fixing food, sharing good food and the colors of food.  I think that food is just beautiful.  It makes nice centerpieces and brings wonderful smells into our lives.  I am so grateful for food.

There was a time in my life that I had no use for food.  It was something that did not interest me at all.  In fact if I could have gone without eating, I think I probably would have.  Funny how things have changed.

I just spent the last week trying to decide if I wanted to attend culinary school.  I guess one never knows what life will hold.

I am glad that I can enjoy food now.  It is a wonderful part of life!

Sunshine

Sunshine is a wonderful gift.  The way it plays off of the spring leaves on the trees is wonderful.  Not to mention how much is puts most people in a positive mood.

I am glad to say that most of the sticky darkness that was clogging up my brain has been replaced with the light of the sun, only a trace of the sludge remains...it always remains.

Looking into the future and the "Big Picture" of my life  I feel like I am rotating in cirlces in my mind.  Wanting to move forward, but always seeming to rotate back to the same place I was before. 

One moment I embrace sincerly that each moment and each day holds enough joy and sorrow for us all without ever adding one thing to it.  Another moment I feel as if I need to start running and never slow down until I find what it is I am seeking and longing for in this life. 

When I was quite young and quite unhappy, I was content to live a difficult life and look to heaven for my reward as the time to look forward to.  A better place if you will.  Now the LORD has rocked my notion of that because I have a wonderful life here and now.  I am so blessed one would not believe that someones life could be so utterly perfect.  So, it makes me ponder...so what to do with all of this wonderful life!  Is more being asked of me...or do I just want more because of a selfish desire?  It is a circle in my mind....live for today...contribute do good...live for today...contribute do good...in some ways it is much easier when your life is difficult, because you don't have to worry about what to do with your time.  Ones life is consummed with so much angst and activity that you don't have time to even think...let along sleep!

Perhaps this is the closest that I can get to being wealthy...I have never had money, but the saying is that time is money.  I have more time and less stress that most people I know.  I wonder if individuals that aquire great wealth sit and ponder, now what to do with all of this money?  I guess they do, Jesus spoke of a man that had so much grain that he wanted to build bigger barns to hold it.

The Parable of the Rich Fool

¹³ Then one from the crowd said to Him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.”

¹⁴ But He said to him, “Man, who made Me a judge or an arbitrator over you?” ¹⁵ And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness,^[b] for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”

¹⁶ Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. ¹⁷ And he thought within himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?’ ¹⁸ So he said, ‘I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. ¹⁹ And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years; take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry.”’ ²⁰ But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?’

²¹ “So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”

So, how can I be rich toward God and use the treasure (in my case time) given to me.  I guess I am not to "take my ease, eat, drink and be merry"

I guess I just need to find a job that works out for my family life as it is now.  I think going to school would be great, but I think maybe just a job would be better.  Tonight is a time of prayer and that is one thing that I know works.  Maybe I will have an answer soon.

Dark Day

Finding myself...Recently I watched a powerful movie and one of the players asks the question, "Who am I?"  a question I find myself struggling with the past few weeks.  So many tragic events and looming tragic possibilities for this life hang in front of my eyes.  This is the part of me I try so hard to bury in the Grace that I have found in Jesus.  This one that sees only the tragic.  I long to be the person that finds beauty and hope in the world around me and yet it is so foreign and strange to my natural mind.  My mind is so dark and hopeless...yet in Christ I have been set free!  I'm free, I'm free, I'm free indeed!  So I love that question, "Who am I?"  I am a mixture of good and bad, of hope and despair, of selfishness and generosity.  Is it ever possible to free oneself completely in this life from the "true man that I am".  And should we?

Grace, unmerited favor, something I did not earn.  That may be why is it so important to me.  Without the LOVE of God for me, where would I be?  My heart is dark.  Which I find so interesting, because I believe that most people would not understand that blackness and thick sorrow exsits within my mind.  I run from it into the loving arms of ONE who is better, ONE in whom there is no darkness only light, no shadow of turning.

There are times like today and yesterday Faith must arise and believe that HE alone can save me from myself.  In faith alone can I look at today and understand that my future is secure, because of the Blood of Jesus Christ...I fall so short of HIS LOVE.  His MERCY is new everyday and today I woke up to a new day with life in my body, so Mercy is alive in me.  May my heart embrace the light and not the dark, may hope arise and not despair, may generosity be my daily bread and not selfishness.

Lord please help me today.  Show me the path of righteousness.  Guide my heart and my hands to do good all the days of my life and not evil.  To LOVE and not hate.  To forgive and not be bitter.  Truth is my longing, show me Truth. 

You are a Good God, Holy, Righteous and True.  Worthy of all Honor, Glory and Praise!  There is none like YOU in all the earth.  May your HOLY SPIRIT come and help me and us all, guide us into all truth and righteousness.  We all need YOU.

Kindness

Kindness is something that often has to be taught.  As a whole children are not especially kind to one another and tend to be quite selfish.  This is also true of most adults.  The difference is that adults find ways to hide our unkind actions towards others as we get older.  When we are young we just yank on the toy and hit the other kid over the head with it after we have retrieved it from them, or maybe they hit us over the head with the toy.  Either way we understand the message, "I want that toy and you can not have it, and now I am mad at you for trying to take something away that I want."  So, we tell our children, "honey you need to share the toy and be nice to your friends".

One of the most valuable and long lasting pieces of wisdom I was given was to be kind to myself.  It is amazing how some of us will long abuse ourselves because what we really wanted to do was hit someone else over the head, but we were taught to be kind to others.  We give away kindness and inwardly hit ourselves, with thoughts and words, with unforgiveness and dissapointment. We become super critical and stress ourselves out over what we didn't do right.  Meet a deadline, make someone love us, create a successful meal, land the job...we put on ourselves unrealistic expectations.  I will be the perfect "mom", "wife", "employee", "singer" and when we are not we eat our insides up with anger.  A wise mentor told me, "Susan, be gentle with yourself". It changed my world.  For many years I had to remind myself, when the words would come inside my own mind and heart of what a utter failure I was being at that moment, that I was to cut myself some slack.  So, I did.  I started cutting myself some slack and the most amazing process started.  I felt better.  When I began to see myself as valuable even in my failures, I started feeling better toward everyone else too.  Somehow even if they could not do everything perfectly that would be okay too.  I have found so much peace in my life now.  It has been over 10 years since I was encouraged to be "gentle with myself", that act has made being kind to others so much easier now.

Looking forward to learning how to share my thoughts in this electronic diary.  My notebooks seem to overrun my life and now that we have so little space; electronic seems to be an alternative that makes good sense.

It is not that I have anything interesting or of importance to say, but one does need to have an avenue of expression. 

I have titled my blog, as it were, grace.  Because I tried to think of the one word that sums up my life and that was where I landed.  Receiving unmerited favor in my life and enjoying so many blessings over the course of my life in spite of my own wretched shortcomings; it could only be titled grace.

Wishing that I had some profound insight to share with the world may be the reason that I need to write, but knowing that I mostly just need to get things to stop rattling in my brain  I will be content to know that the only person who may ever find anything I have to say interesting is myself.  I may be the freer to just put down what I really think and feel and that may be the most helpful to why I write.  This shall be the manner in which I will write.  Knowing this frees me from all grammar and spelling rules as these are most difficult for me to master. More grace I suppose shown toward myself.

As in all new journeys I wish for safety and adventure.

Grace

Grace fills my life more and more as I age.  It seeps into everything that I am.  Without grace my life would look very differently than it does now.  Grace allows me freedom and peace.  These are the things I seek in my life; both for myself and others.