I am glad to say that most of the sticky darkness that was clogging up my brain has been replaced with the light of the sun, only a trace of the sludge remains...it always remains.
Looking into the future and the "Big Picture" of my life I feel like I am rotating in cirlces in my mind. Wanting to move forward, but always seeming to rotate back to the same place I was before.
One moment I embrace sincerly that each moment and each day holds enough joy and sorrow for us all without ever adding one thing to it. Another moment I feel as if I need to start running and never slow down until I find what it is I am seeking and longing for in this life.
When I was quite young and quite unhappy, I was content to live a difficult life and look to heaven for my reward as the time to look forward to. A better place if you will. Now the LORD has rocked my notion of that because I have a wonderful life here and now. I am so blessed one would not believe that someones life could be so utterly perfect. So, it makes me ponder...so what to do with all of this wonderful life! Is more being asked of me...or do I just want more because of a selfish desire? It is a circle in my mind....live for today...contribute do good...live for today...contribute do good...in some ways it is much easier when your life is difficult, because you don't have to worry about what to do with your time. Ones life is consummed with so much angst and activity that you don't have time to even think...let along sleep!
Perhaps this is the closest that I can get to being wealthy...I have never had money, but the saying is that time is money. I have more time and less stress that most people I know. I wonder if individuals that aquire great wealth sit and ponder, now what to do with all of this money? I guess they do, Jesus spoke of a man that had so much grain that he wanted to build bigger barns to hold it.
The Parable of the Rich Fool
13 Then one from the crowd said to Him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.”14 But He said to him, “Man, who made Me a judge or an arbitrator over you?” 15 And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness,[b] for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”
16 Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. 17 And he thought within himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?’ 18 So he said, ‘I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. 19 And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years; take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry.”’ 20 But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?’
21 “So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”
So, how can I be rich toward God and use the treasure (in my case time) given to me. I guess I am not to "take my ease, eat, drink and be merry"
I guess I just need to find a job that works out for my family life as it is now. I think going to school would be great, but I think maybe just a job would be better. Tonight is a time of prayer and that is one thing that I know works. Maybe I will have an answer soon.
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