Stay the Course

Sometimes the hardest thing for me is to just stay the course. I have such an incredible curiosity and desire for new information that it is hard for me to do the same thing over and over.  I have not quite figured out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I know that as in all things it brings its own unique challenge to my life.  Human beings for the most part enjoy having a sense of stability and habit in life.  I do have the need for those things also, but mine structure does not come from the routines of life, but rather my relationship with my LORD and how He is always with me.  Therefore I am able to move and flow like a river, ever moving and changing the things that are in my course.

That is why I question if my lifestyle is ok...some days I think YES!  Others, when I find that I have left everything that I am starting to know (people, work etc) I think NO...why do I keep putting myself into a position of loneliness?  Because it is lonely.  I willingly walk away from established relationships for something else.  But my question is what else??  Is this just another way that my flesh wants to run and rule my life at the expense of those around me? or is it in fact my place, my piece?  These are real questions that come to my mind.  Questions I really don't have the answer for.

I can look back on people I have been in relationship or jobs that I have held and know that they are just fine and in fact probably better in some ways.  The LORD has used me in the past to question the routine, the accepted norms of the "way things are done".  That has been why I usually have difficulties, because I have gone into situations that were clearly troubled but those directly involved didn't either recognize the issues or didn't care or thought there was no way to change the "way things are".

I hope that my moving, always moving is in fact more for the greater good than the hurt of other.
My hearts desire is to love people and love MY LORD.  That is my entire focus.  Sometimes love does hurt more than we would like it to (discipline) but the outcome in the end is the prize.  Discipline.

My friend told me that I am a strong person.  I suppose that is true in some ways, in others I know that is far from the truth.  I think my strength comes from my faith.  I know in whom I have trusted.  He has never let me down.  And I do not anticipate that He will.  Unlike myself, I have let myself down many time.

I need to understand how to Walk in the Spirit.  This way I will never have to question if my decisions are correct.  Then I will know that I am walking in LOVE and I can stay the course...where ever this river leads me.

I am so grateful for the LORD and His love in my life.  I could never thank Him enough for all He has done for me and those I love.

Headache

Today I had a headache and was not as productive as i wanted to be in my University at Home.  I did do something so I will be content to know that I could put something down in my log of new things that I am trying.

Yesterday I had a revelation of the struggle that I have been having being at home.  I know that I have the most blessed and easy life right now and i have been feeling frustrated that I have been having these difficult days emotionally.  I have not been able to put my finger on it, but yesterday I finally gained some understanding when i was visiting with my good friend.  I understood that what is going on is that my "flesh" hates that I don't have anything in my life right now that I can boast about or be proud about and it is craving and wanting that pride!  That is the battle...my flesh wants so badly to walk in the sin of pride that is wants to "make" something happen that I can talk about and feel good about (work, home, school) as it is now, I have nothing to boast about...except Jesus Christ and the finished work of the Cross in my life...so that is the conflict!  I am incredibly happy and full of joy in my spirit because I know that HE IS MY ALL IN ALL!  And I am miserable in my flesh...because I have been picking up my cross daily and following HIM.  So now I realize I am not losing my mind, I just want to go back to my prideful ways and the LORD is helping me learn how to walk humbly before him...I am so glad I am learning this lesson and I am so glad I finally found the issue of these two very different feelings I have in my heart and mind.  I am in the battle of my life trying to walk in humility.  This is something I have been sincerely praying about for  a couple of years and I am so glad he is helping with this.  I want to be a humble person, I am tired of letting pride rule my life.

I did lose my patience today with someone and for that I need to ask forgiveness, Father please forgive me for my bad attitude, and help me be in your Spirit and not in myself when I am around that person, because they just get on my nerves without even trying.  And i probably get on theirs.

LORD thank you for helping me get rid of my headache!

Missing loved ones

Today I am missing loved ones.

Yesterday I did have a wonderful time with my husband.

I have so many people that I care about around the country and around the world, I wish I could just see them all!

Summer Days

Being here in the Midwest brings back to mind summers of my youth.  I like the summers here very much.  This year it hasn't been overly hot and we have been blessed with rain.  The corn is really tall now!

It is July and it is under 70 in the morning...that is lovely.  What a beautiful walk I had this morning enjoying the beauty of the world around me.  The birds were singing, ducks were quacking and I even got some "good morning'" from others out walking.

Walking helps me have time to gather all my random thoughts while exercising.  I am not sure what I will do when the weather is cold enough to "freeze my face off" and my mother put it...but for today I am enjoying being able to get outside.  Tonight we will be going to a concert to listen to some music and just enjoy being outdoors.  It might rain, but hopefully it will rain after the concert.

New Adventures

so week one of University at Home is actually helping me be more organized and hopefully will allow we to be more productive with the time I have been given.  i am certainly more accountable to keep up with the things I have been doing and it doesn't feel like my life is just a big black hole sucking up into nothingness.

I think that no matter who you are, everyone wants to be productive in some way.  That is the big challenge when you have a major life change as I have had, where I have always been pushed into work and now I have the free time we all want and find it hard to self motivate to things that are productive.  Writing down what I have been doing does a couple of things, it makes my contribution more valid in my own mind and helps me see that I actually do more than I realized...not to put too many demands upon myself as to make it some sort of "busywork" but to be faithful to contribute in this way may be the best idea i have had in the past two years.

here is to having my life make more sense again! :)

Summer Days

Today was a beautiful summer day.  The sun was shining so brightly and the sky was filled with beautiful white clouds.  I am so grateful for the chance to enjoy these beautiful days.  There was a time when all I could see was darkness, even on a beautiful day like today.  I thought of a friend that lived in that darkness and eventually chose to end his life by his own hand recently.  I hope he has found some peace.  I know that I am ever grateful that grace delivered me from those dark places in my mind.  My heart now can best be described as a beautiful summer day.  Bright and promising.

I started what I have named University at Home this week.  I am somewhat formalizing my pursuits by writing down what I am doing to educate and expand my mind and skill set.  I have three things, healthy body, healthy mind and healthy spirit.  I have not exercised (walked) yet this week, so I need to do that tomorrow morning.  I feel the need to keep my mind more active as my memory is really suffering from just watching TV.  I started by playing some games on the computer and that has helped.  Now I will continue to write down the things I am doing as a way of accountability and so I can have recorded some of the amazing delicious dishes I make.  I am doing it all on the blogger because it would require too much paper or journals and I have neither the room or desire to store all of this information in my closet.  I am doing it on blogger so I can access it no matter what computer I am using, or where.  maybe someday my children will discover them and read them, when I am gone...it would give some insight to my life.  If they are interested in that

Marriage

I have the best marriage.  I am so blessed to be married to my husband.  He has changed my life in so many ways and it is because he loves me.  Not in word alone, but in deed.  If all of us would love one another we would change the world.  I know love has changed me.

Hope

I had lunch with a new friend and we both decided that HOPE is essential to being able to move forward into blessings in our lives.  We spent quite a bit of time discussing relationship, specifically relationships with ourselves and a significant male partner.  Reflection on the way I was put together with my wonderful husband of 17 years inspired and encouraged my friend who has been single for some time.  I am glad that in the midst of some very difficult times in my life I was able to still hold on to a glimmer of hope, no matter how small and try again for a meaningful relationship.  This relationship that I am in now has exceeded every expectation that I ever had for marriage.  I am so grateful.  It is just one more way that I feel incredibly loved by my LORD.  He gives good gifts and restores more than what was lost!  Oh how I love HIM!  Thank you Father for all that you have done in my life.

Walking

Today I met a man who is literally walking across the continental United States of America to inspire people to take their faith seriously.  What a brave and wonderful thing to do.  I am glad that I was able to see him today.  It reminded me to not be afraid or fall into the trap of the fears that we have concerning our own well being.  What a delightful young man he was and kind.  I wonder if I should have offered him a place to stay?  LORD perhaps someone else will be smarter and more hospitable and I and offer him a cool place to rest his tired body.  But, then again this is not my home I am just house sitting. I miss being able to offer people a place to come.

Entertainment

Something I have been learning is that we all need to know that we have something that rewards us in this life.  Entertainment can be one of those things.  I had a difficult time wondering why my motivation to do all of the things I need to do just seems on the stuck button.  I think I have fallen upon one of the reasons.  All I have is a chore list.  I have a very difficult time allowing myself to have fun!  This past week I have spent some time just playing some games on the computer and guess what I am more motivated and less stuck to do the things that I need to do.  I have a payoff, some fun.  This is something that is very difficult for me, as silly as that may sound.  Everyone else can have fun, but for myself it is difficult to allow myself to just goof off.  I feel terribly guilty when I do.  Like it is such a waste of time.

I am glad I am learning this life truth.  Other people sometimes have difficulty working and just want to goof off which may also be just as damaging to one's overall well being.  But, only being about work all the time is just as unhealthy.  As time goes I will get better and be a better rounded person, but it sure is taking a long time.