Kindness

I am trying to be more kind in my day to day dealings with people.  I am uncertain how I am doing, but I am trying.

One of the ways that I am trying is by listening better.  I need to hear what people are really saying and allow those spoken emotions become real to me.

I have had a couple of conversations lately that I still feel like I am talking toooooo much!!!!!

I need to be more attentive to the needs of the person that I am with.

This brings me to a story that I read last night, written by a medical physician.  He was speaking to the fact that sometimes physical pain is really emotional pain that is being made manifest in our physical bodies and that really nothing is wrong with the body, but the pain is real.  He began to listen to his patients and let them talk, without prescribing a bunch of pills or what not, because he figured this connection out, this was after he had done every test to determine what was wrong and they came back negative every time, the person was fine.

I have met many people who are like this, seemingly healthy and yet not healthy.  I am grateful for the ability that I have to take things to the LORD in prayer.  But there was a season when I was angry with God and I was sick the entire year.  My body could not regulate itself and I even ended up in the ER room.  After I realized I was angry at God and admitted it, i recovered and my body did regulate itself.  I think that is why I have been so blessed with good health, because my spirit is good.  This is not to say that everyone who is sick is not well in there spirit, because that would be untrue.  Job was well in his spirit and very sick.  I am just saying that i think when someone suffers from chronic pain or other malfunctions of the body, we should consider the possibility that something is not well in the soul.  And until the individual is willing to address the issue that is the real problem, grief, anger whatever the pain will continue to manifest itself somewhere.  I think some people can deal with the physical problems easier than the soul problems, because then we are not weak, we are just sick, and someone can figure that out surely and fix it through our modern medicine.  So many of us take medicine for issues that the LORD can and wants to heal in us.  I know He has done it for me.  And for that I am super grateful.

Movies

I watched a movie today. It was a good story and the message was good, but it was really gory in parts.  I don't really like it because of it.  The story I think is addressing the problem that we currently have in USA with illegal immigrants.  I had just read a story about an illegal immigrant that was in the Bellevue Hospital in New York and it chronicled the tragedy that was her life. So, it was interesting to watch the movie from that perspective of just reading the story about this woman.  i just wish they wouldn't be so graphic.

I don't know what the answer is about immigration reform, but I do know that many people are trying to figure it out.  It is difficult, because we have so many different interests that need to be taken into consideration.  the issue is certainly not black and white...of course human interests and needs never are, it is alway complex.  I wonder if sometimes we try to solve problems from a position that is too high in the government.  But when you take the crime, drug use, smuggling and violence into consideration, I am grateful that we protect our borders.  AHHH we need the LORD's help with this, it does not have an easy answer.  Really I think what it always boils down to is the criminal element that is in play, and criminals come in many shapes and sizes, but it is easy to blame the poor.

Birthday

Today is my oldest son's birthday.  happy birthday!

Psalm 24:1-2
The earth is the LORD's and all its fullness, The world and those who dwell therein
For He has founded it upon the seas, and established it upon the waters

Genesis 1:1-2
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,  the earth was without form and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

It is wonderful to know that the earth belongs to the LORD.  I just read a chapter in my book 12 Patients that was about a young woman who suffered many unspeakable things in her short life.  She was suffering from heart failure as well.  Yet she was humble and everyone wanted to help her in the book.  Many people moved on her behalf for her to have a new heart, yet when she got it she died.  i am glad she is in a better place than here, she suffered so much violence.  I pray that her children will be well cared for that she left behind.

There will be a day when the world will be a peace and not suffer this level of violence that we see today.  When the LORD rules and reigns in His kingdom.  He is coming soon.  It is our hope.

Come quickly LORD JESUS!

Exercise for the mind

today i don't feel like i have anything to say at all.  maybe that is a good thing, i have been trying to keep myself busy by organizing my time with studies and doing a food cost analysis, etc

so I am just going to write because this is my self appointed assignment to write something everyday, even if it is nothing at all

I did go to the grocery store today and get some ingredients for homemade hummus and a dish that is similar except you make it with eggplant, these will be the receipes for this weekend with troy

we have decided to do cooking together as part of the University at Home project
it does a couple of things, it provides food, which we need and it gives us a project to do together that cost little money, we are trying to save money for my trip out to the west coast

my food cost analysis is proving that we spend so much money on food and fuel...but we certainly have been eating healthy and i think in the long run that saves us on medical expenses, which thankfully right now are at zero for us both, i really believe the good food helps

okay, it wasn't much exercise, but at least it was something and something is always better than nothing,

Busy

We can stay just as busy as we want to be.  I noticed that I have come up with many ways to keep myself busy so I am not just sitting all day and watching the clock pass.  One of those ways is to try and write in this blog.  I think it just keeps up some basic keyboarding skills and helps my mind stay active.  Some other ways I have been keeping busy is by turning my life at home into more of a business.  Just to keep my mind going and using my office skills.  Just in case I ever have a job again.  I have started a time study of how I spend my day. As well as a food cost chart to help find ways to save money for my upcoming trip.  It helps.  I feel much happier than when I was just pretty much watching TV all day.  They were cooking shows, so I did learn something, but this is still much better.

I need to go take a few pictures of a willow tree for the new facebook page.  Hopefully I will get some good shots.  I was told that there is a Willow tree next to a retention pond so it should be a good one to try and get some photos.

Comfortable

Isn't it nice when you just meet someone who makes you feel comfortable.  I have the luxury of being married to someone who makes me feel that way, which makes life so nice.  And I have had two friends over the years that made me feel this way.  One of those friends took me out to lunch today.  I am so blessed.

I am a person that must be hard to get along with because I have not had this type of friendship very often.  Oh, I certainly have friends that I love deeply, but the comfortable feeling to just totally be yourself and you know you won't offend them, that is the unusual part.  Most of my friends I think I do offend in someway if I am just honest and truly myself.

I am glad that in this time of my life I have someone that I can really always feel uplifted by and never feel like, oh dear, I think I ....you fill in the blank.

Thank you LORD for bringing this friend into my life at this time.  The other time I had a friend like this was when I was a single mom.  I needed a friend like that then too.  God is so very good to me, he always makes my life so rich!!!!

Feeling pretty good

Well I am feeling pretty good about the fact that I am writing something everyday.  Even if it isn't saying much at least I am meeting my objective of writing something.  I am so desiring to keep my mind active and alert.
I have been playing games on the computer and that seems to help in some ways, although i am beginning to tire of them somewhat, they still hold my interest enough and I think it is great brain exercise as I have seen a marked improvement in my memory.  Which is nice.  I was really having difficulties remembering anything!  That is the problem with having so much down time.

Today i don't feel so great physically, but hopefully this will pass.  maybe I just need to go outside and walk.

I feel so blessed today, just an abundance of joy in my heart in spite of my headache and upset tummy and usual aches and pains.  i think this is a good sign, maybe my spirit is getting fed more and I can easily over come the physical discomfort and still feel so much joy and happiness!!

i do not remember if I shared about my "Pride" realization, but I think I do want to write it down because I do not want to forget.  The sin of pride in my life has been seeking for something to hang itself on and lately, I have not had anything I can be proud of so i have been miserable...my sin like an addiction continued to tell me, go do something, get a job, buy a house, something...anything...I was just so uncertain of why I keep feeling the strong urge to do something...then when i understood that I did not have anything I could talk about or have anyone say...really?  that's cool or whatever someone may say to you to build one up...my flesh has been miserable being at home.  I was so glad i finally was able to see what was happening...because I was like WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY?  my life is so good and easy, i have a husband that loves me, GOD has been incredible...well...sin sin sin...but this time...it had no where to go...so it kept trying to get me to GO somewhere anywhere really.  I am now at a place of peace with this.  I am super happy to be at home being a housewife and I feel really good that my favorite sin is finally being laid down as i pick up my cross and follow HIM :)  I have been asking the LORD for quite some time to help me lay this down and HE is faithfully helping me to understand my addiction to pride and how to recognize it before i am swimming in it up to my neck...this is a long process but oh so worth it.

The Important Stuff

I really want to spend my time doing the important stuff.  I don't want to look back on any of my life and say, wow...i missed the boat there!

So, for now let me just list what I think is the important stuff:

Following Jesus
My family
My close friends
My health and appreciating the gift of life
that is about it for now...I may add to this later.

I was sorta interrupted in this train of thought.

I think being kind is important.  Loving one another (although this sounds easy it is hard sometimes).  Pretty much I have been able to get rid of stuff as being important.  I do like having resources, like clean water, a place to lay my head at night, but over the past couple of years I finally realize, I personally don't need to OWN these things, just have access to them when I need them.  Which is super cool, because i own very little right now and I love it!  But I do have access to the things I need as well, I am pretty sure I would not want to live on the street.

I suppose when I die, I just want people to know me as someone who cared for them.   That is the most important thing to me.  Sometimes I really suck at this...but i am going to keep trying and not give up!

Growth

Over the past few months I have seen so much growth in my beloved husband.  He is beginning to understand how loved he is by the Father and that he is in fact a child of a great King.  It is wonderful seeing him embrace this understanding of who he is in Christ.  Understanding this about himself is transforming him right before my eyes and it is a wonderful sight to behold!

I think back on my own journey with the LORD and I realize how far I really have come as well.  The valleys that I have walked in and the fact that grace has always been the rock of my salvation, my foundation.  For this I am so grateful as I have fallen and failed more times that I even would like to remember.  I am so glad that the Father says that he takes our sins and throws them as far as the East is from the West.  That is pretty far.  We do have the freedom to walk free from sin, but that does not mean that our flesh will like it.  That is why Jesus said, pick up your cross daily, and follow me.  Daily, that is a word that I have been pondering this past couple of weeks.  Daily.

Have we in the American church, thought that we should pick up our cross, only for two hours a week while we are attending our weekly church service?  Is going to church in fact just a "good habit".  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going to church, always have, even from a very young age.  I like everything about it.  I like the music, I like the preaching and I like the fellowship.  I have probably gone to church more in my life than most people over the course of my life.  So i am not in anyway saying we should not go.  What I am saying is have we turned what should be a relationship with our LORD into a weekly ritual that we perform.  Take the family to church, check, but this weeks groceries, check.  Of course these are all great generalizations, I am aware, but I think it could be another trap for our heart.  A trap because what started out as a love affair has ended in a duty to be performed (sometimes human marriage is like that too).

I need to really consider this relationship that I have been blessed with, because of the blessed redemptive work of the cross and the blood that Jesus spilled...and the most important part, that HE ROSE AGAIN!  Am I taking up my cross daily?  Am I saying no to my flesh and yes to the SPIRIT of God?

LORD help me to hear and to understand what the Spirit is saying and help me to obey.

Family

Today I am so grateful for my family.  I have been blessed with a large family and a loving caring family.  I think that as my lovely daughter would say, "I hit the jackpot".  Next weekend I get to go visit a cousin and I am super excited to spend time with her.  She has been such an incredible influence for good in my life.  My husband doesn't have any cousins, because both of his parents are an only child.  I hadn't really thought about it before.

We have exciting things happening in the lives of the family, good marriages and all the blessings of marriage.  I am just over the moon with joy today thinking about the exciting times we are in right now.

I hope that my family knows how much I love them.  I hope I have been able to express that in my life.  Sometimes I think it is hard to know if others really understand the depth of that love.

I am so grateful for my parents love too.  Over the course of my life I have learned just how much they really do love me.  They have proven it time and time again.  Especially my own mother.  Through my relationship with them and my grandparents I understand how love can look different from different people.  When I was small I didn't understand that, but I do now.  And I am glad, because I realize I have always been loved and important to at least a few people.

Family is just another expression of God's love for us.  He just thought of everything.  Thanks DAD!

Widows

Recently I have begun to realize that I have a few ladies that are in my life that are what I am going to refer to as "Widows"."  Some by definition are widows, some are just alone or lonely.

So I have added this to my University at Home sheet reflected as Women's Ministry, because honestly that is what it is.  I have three ladies right now that I am trying to reach out to in friendship and kindness.  One of them is a person of faith, two are not.

I am pretty excited to think about this, because I know that they have enjoyed my company as I have enjoyed being with them.  So it is a win win situation.

I noticed something with the formal church structure, the leadership wants you to do what they are doing, but when you say well the LORD has given me "such and such " to do, they don't really take much interest in what you feel like the Holy Spirit has asked you to do...in fact I have never had anyone say to me, "that is great can I pray for you?"  another thing to think about concerning the health of the American church.
We are all still walking in selfish ways with one another.  LORD please help me not be selfish and support all the work you are doing through all the people you have.

I hope that I can be a blessing to all my widows in my life.  I get to go to the movies today, and that is not such a bad deal, no not a bad deal at all! :)

A building not made with hands

This weekend was one of great discussion of how to give our money to the work of the LORD.  It has been our practice to tithe for many years to the church that we have regularly attended.  But now that the LORD has been using us in a different way for His kingdom, we don't have a "home church" right now.  I do not know if this will change or not.  We are waiting on the LORD to guide us and direct us in the way we should go.

So we visited a church that recently had an addition built on for the youth and new offices, it is beautiful.  NICE space.  We were told this building was done so more ministry could be done.

This brought up quite a discussion, how much is the American Church foolishly using God's resources?  I thought it was comparable to the desire that Israel had for a king.   God wanted to be their king, but they wanted a human king, so he let them have one.  I wonder if all these building projects are really just our flesh wanting to be more comfortable.  I brought this question up for discussion and it kinda ended like this in my mind.

We have not really search and asked what it is that God's heart wants, we continue to ask Him to bless the things we think we need and want.  Now I personally can not and should not pretend to know what God has or has not said to the people that are His, if he did in fact tell them to build or not.  But one thing I have seen in common with some of these large projects is that the burden, the financial burden is put upon the people in the congregation.  I have in fact visited several churches that this is the case.  The have a beautiful facility (that oftentimes is not full) and the pastor is preaching (almost every Sunday) about how we need to give give give.  This is what happened when the king was given to Israel, he taxed the people, took there children, their resources, etc.  So......i have seen other congregations that have not built a beautiful new building, but the bills are paid the facility is kept up and the ministry continues, no matter how many people are in attendance.  hmmmmmmmmmmm...well i do question all these building projects if they are in fact more about what we want then what God wants.  God is not so concerned with shelter if you really read the word.  He placed Adam and Eve in a garden, Jesus himself spent most of his time outside, in a garden sometimes and walking around.  he preached on a mountain side, from a boat sitting on the water, prayed in a garden before his death on the cross.  Went into the wilderness to be tested.  I think God is pretty consistent on what he considers our necessity, food and clothing.  So we came to a place of considering who is providing food and clothing to the poor, who is preaching to the poor, for free, and decided to support these works with our tithes.  We will still go to these churches to fellowship and worship, but to use the beautiful facilities we will pay to attend.  Just like any other man made venture, you pay for what you get.  I hope this will further the gospel in ways that we can not imagine, and help us to realize that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts, and may HE give me Ears to hear what that still small voice is saying to me.

Tenderness

I serve a God of great tenderness and beauty.  This is why my heart hurts when people accuse Him of being anything other than that.  He told me long ago that He could fight His own battles and that it was okay if I stand down.  But today, He has once again shown me just how tender and loving He really is through the story of Genesis.

As i type this tears stream down my face as I am overwhelmed by His love and care that He has extended to us throughout our existence.  Many times I have asked the LORD to let me know Him better and i even had the brave prayer of asking, like Paul, to let me know Him in his suffering.  He has answered that prayer.

At times my children have rejected me (as probably most parents have experienced)and it hurt me so deeply.  Part of the reason it hurt so deeply is because I know how much good i want for them, only good.  I see the parallel with mankind and the LORD.  He created us to only know good, but we choose otherwise.  Because of the lust of the eyes, the pride of life and the lust of the appetite.  We have fallen into a state of guilt and shame.  Rather than feel guilt or shame we harden our hearts and let sin overtake our hearts and justify our actions.  Adam and Eve sewed together fig leaves.  They tried to justify their actions by covering up the choice they had made.  Of course the action they took was more serious than they imagined, just like our teenagers today don't realize the damage (they believe they are indestructible).  The LORD had to take action against the offense.  Some rebelled, some understood. The LORD himself took an animal and killed it, to cover the sin.  How His heart must have broken in that moment.  To take away the very life He had given.
This of course where my understanding ceases.  Because i have never given life to anything and then had to destroy that very good thing.  But, i do understand what it means to be misunderstood.  I do understand the feeling of people hiding from me because they are doing something they shouldn't, and then justify their action rather than repent "the women you gave me made me do it".  We all like to blame someone else.  "the serpent deceived me and I did eat" maybe it is us looking to our surroundings, our parents , our poverty...whatever it may be.  but we are still all without excuse.  We individually choose to sin and we can not place that upon anyone or anything else.  I know that HE can take care of Himself...but I just wish humans would stop saying things about HIM that simply are not true.  He is loving and kind.  A God slow to anger and full of mercy.  One who loves beauty and loves each and everyone of us.  He is gracious and forgiving.  A God of great compassions.  He does care about the state of the world, more than we can imagine.  If I can for one moment bring some joy to HIS heart, my life would be full.  He is so worthy of our love.  He is not the creator of suffering, HE IS THE GIVER OF LIFE!

Discipline

I have started this University at Home and I think I need to develop a more structured and demanding schedule.  I know that we all tend to go easy on ourselves, more than a professor would.  So, I need to think about what exactly do I want to push myself toward?

I am considering taking a Greek language class for the New Testament, which would be super cool.  I will pray about that tonight during our time of prayer and ask the LORD if this is the time for that.

I think I do need to do more reading and less TV watching.  That would probably be a good start.

I certainly need to have more self discipline if this is going to be a serious endeavor.  Right now I need to get my head around it.  I want to be flexible for the LORD, but accomplishing more than I am now.  I guess I could make my own plans and just with the understanding that when the Master calls I drop my plan and move to His.  That may be the best approach.